A Selection of George Carlin's warped thoughts!

  • If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
  • If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
  • Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them, would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
  • When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
  • What was the best thing before sliced bread?
  • When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
  • Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
  • Why do they report power outages on TV?
  • George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.
  • What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
  • Is it possible to be totally partial?
  • I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.
  • No one who has had “Taps” played for them has ever been able to hear it.
  • If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off?
  • If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
  • If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?
  • Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin’ ready to hang himself.
  • Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
  • One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.
  • Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
  • When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
  • Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
  • If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
  • Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
  • If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
  • Intelligence tests are biased toward the literate.
  • I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
  • One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re too tired.
  • In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.
  • The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."
  • Sties are caused by watching your dog shit.
  • Jesus is coming–look busy.
  • Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
  • Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
  • I’ve never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.
  • What year did Jesus think it was?
  • The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.
  • Some see the glass as half-empty, some see the glass as half-full.  I see the glass as too big.
  • Most people are not particularly good at anything.
  • Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place?
  • Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
  • It’s impossible to know accurately how you look in your sunglasses.
  • I think we should attack Russia now.  They’d never expect it.
  • I have no ax to grind, but I do have an ivory letter opener that could use sharpening.
  • Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
  • The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
  • There ought to be at least one round state.
  • Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
  • In comic strips the person on the left always speaks first.
  • Why are there never any really good-looking women on long distance buses?
  • Electricity is really just organized lightning.
  • At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
  • If we could just find out who is in charge, we could kill him.
  • How do primitive people know if they are doing the dances correctly?
  • If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
  • The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.
  • She was only a prostitute, but she had the nicest face I ever came across.
  • May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
  • If you get cheated by the better business bureau, who do you complain to?
  • No one calls you “Bub” anymore.
  • What do you do when you see an endangered animal?
  • Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?
  • When they say someone is making a “personal tour,” are they suggesting that, on the other hand, it is somehow possible to make a tour without actually being there?
  • If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?
  • Hobbies are for people who lack direction.
  • Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
  • Is it illegal to charge admission to a free-for-all?
  • They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.
  • As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.
  • Imagine how thick Japanese people’s photo albums must be.
  • Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
  • Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations.  I think when you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
  • If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
  • Shouldn’t a complimentary beverage tell you what a fine person you are?
  • If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?

  • Things you never hear:  “Please stop sucking my dick or I’ll call the police."
  • “Something is wrong here: War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption and the Ice Capades. Something is definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed. Results like these do not belong on the resume of a supreme being. This is the kinda shit you’d expect from an office temp with a bad attitude.”

  • “I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”

  • “Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?”

  • “How come when it’s us, it’s ‘an abortion,’ but when it’s a chicken it’s an omelet?”

  • “Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man… living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.”

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