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Chemistry Funnies

The base has been neutralized

[The following jokes have been taken from the ACS website]

Two hydrogen atoms bumped into each other recently.
One said: "Why do you look so sad?"
The other responded: "I lost an electron."
Concerned, one asked "Are you sure?"
The other replied "I'm positive."

Q. If a bear in Yosemite, and one in Alaska fall into water, which one would dissolve faster?
A. The bear in Alaska because it's polar.

A neutron walks into a bar, sits down and asks for a drink. Finishing, the neutron asks "How much?"
The bartender says, "For you, no charge."

Q. Where does one put the dishes?
A. In the Zinc.

Q. What do you call a tooth in a glass of water?
A. One molar solution.

Q. What did the gambler do with his cards?
A. He Palladium.

A small piece of sodium which lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner. "Oh Bunsen, my flame. I melt whenever I see you...," the sodium pined.
"It's just a phase you're going through", replied the Bunsen burner.

Q: Why does hamburger have lower energy than steak?
A: Because it's in the ground state.

[The following jokes have been borrowed from Science Jokes: Chemistry.]

What did the MS say to the GC? [MS = mass spectrophotometer; GC = gas chromatogram]
Breaking up is hard to do.

Have you heard the one about a chemist who was reading a book about helium and just couldn't put it down?
It was probably just light reading.

Reasons to be a chemist
- Exposure to all kinds of toxic and cancerous substances.
- Because it's pHun :)
- Access to 100% pure ethanol
- Permanent goggle marks cheaper than a tattoo.
- You prefer to get your course credits the hard way.
- You know that Anal. Chem. is not the title of a raunchy video.
- You like to wash your hands BEFORE you use the bathroom.

The last words of a chemist:
1. And now the taste test.
2. Why is there no label on this bottle?
3. And now a little bit from this...
4. In which glass was my mineral water?
5. And now shake it a bit.
6. *H* stands for Nitrogen - and that does *not* burn...
7. Oh, now I have spilt something...
8. First the acid, then the water...
9. This is a completely safe experimental setup.
10. Where did I put my gloves?
11. O no, wrong beaker...
12. The fire alarm is just being tested.
13. Now you can take the protection window away...
14. Something is wrong here...
15. Trust me - I know what I am doing.
16. And now a cigarette...

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